inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
You Might Also Like
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
wtf is a larm clock?
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
“We will wed,” I threatened
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.