Jesus Christ lmao
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having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
My ideal weight is five million dollars
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine