Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
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Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
socratic questions
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.