Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
You Might Also Like
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]