“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
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this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
good morning
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.