By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
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“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
i can’t wait that long
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?