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FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
my one true gender
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.