My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
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Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
🤣🤣
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.