boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
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To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Jesus Christ lmao
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
“I took care of your clown problem.”
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
E
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ᴱ
ᴱ
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.