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Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
A choir of Spring onions
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away