Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
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The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu