Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
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daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.