Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
I’ve been learning to cook.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile