If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
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I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
I think this should do it.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Whisper out to librarians!
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.