Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
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Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.