[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
You Might Also Like
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?