Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
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Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
#Caturday
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.