MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
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*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.