me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
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(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.