*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
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idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
handsome & gretel
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
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Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.