I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
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I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”