Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
You Might Also Like
I’m too immature for adultery.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”