After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
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RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*