Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
You Might Also Like
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
A little too much information.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
When your parents check you’re ok.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Your honor these allegations are
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”