This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
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“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?