“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
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I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
That lamp looks PISSED.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.