When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
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I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
#Caturday
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.