I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
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Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.