is there nothing we can trust anymore
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i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Choose your fighter
The pen is writier than the sword.