Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
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[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.