[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
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At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
The three genders.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house