Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
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my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college