Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
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Lmao
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob