if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
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Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes