wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
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Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
I think they could have phrased this better
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner