My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
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All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
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I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!