Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
You Might Also Like
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
CUTE CAT‼︎
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂