Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
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*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Autocarrot sucks!
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Trying
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?