Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
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Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
ugh not again
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Inside you there are two wolves
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.