[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
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Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”