10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
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INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Encore…
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
“I’m helping” 😅
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!