[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
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You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.