AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
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Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Still cracks me up
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
peeping toms
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”