Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
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hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light