(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
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I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.