How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
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Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”