Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
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*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
dam girl
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it