Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
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Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
I needed a laugh this morning.