BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
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I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
This meal prepping shit is easy
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old