[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
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why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
the three branches of government
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*